Do You Know That Inner Struggle?

Do you know that inner struggle?
For a long time, I was not aware of that. I felt that something pulled me apart in quite the opposite directions. It was unpleasant, but I did nothing. I accepted the situation and continued to live with it.

Until I had a dream.
In my dream, I found myself somewhere, in an obscure location in Austria. I saw a temple, and I wanted to visit it. The temple had an enormous stone portal guarded by two pillars on both sides. At the entrance, an old man with a white beard (who I knew by the way) welcomed me with a question: “Do you know who you are?”. “Yes, I am two”, I answered without blinking. I was really surprised by my answer. I am two? What the heck?

Nevertheless, the old man allowed me to enter. Inside, a detailed image was revealed to me. Preparations for a special ritual. When the ceremony actually began, an annoying phone ring pulled me out of the dream. It seemed I was not yet ready to have some things revealed.
After this happening, I kept asking myself about the meaning of this dream that impacted me so much that its storyline ran undisturbed in my head for a long time.

It took me many years of learning, reading, experiencing, analysing myself, the events around me, reflecting, and looking for causalities.
So, I gathered a lot of life experiences, knowledge, I transformed. And I realised that you understand things differently in different stages of your life, depending on your capacity to integrate the accumulated information with your experience, depending on your consciousness or psychological development level.

I am sure you heard this many times: “”becoming one””. And actually is not even necessary to have had this told. It is quite an intrinsic longing of every human. 

Make the two into one. But what does it mean?

It can suggest two persons united as one in the act of love or dissolving the conflict between heart and brain, between intuition and rationality.
It can mean the coalescence of the moments you live in the past (memories, regrets) with those you live in the future (plans, dreams, fears) in the single moment that exists, the present, or easing the strain between who you are and what you want to be.

Let’s take an example: Assume you feel the inner conflict between the heart and your reason. From your heart, you know the answers immediately. Without explanation, you just know. But because there is no reasoning backing up what you acknowledge in your heart, your mind, your brain begins questioning this knowledge. “Is this really true? If I am thinking better, it seems impossible … No, no, it cannot function this way.” And so on. Doubts are rising. You don’t know what to do, where to start or where to go.

But it doesn’t mean it has to be like this. You can work, change, dissolve the conflict.

“Making one from two” does not mean suppressing or eliminating one of the two parts, but instead learning how to integrate them, how to make them work together for your or a higher good.

Make them one!

Learn from the past and create dreams in the future to live the present with joy and excitement.
Learn to listen to your heart/intuition and use your mind and rationality to support them.

I am not necessarily a fan of evangelical sayings. I don’t know if Jesus indeed said those things he is supposed was saying in Thomas’s Gospel or not. However, I consider them genuine pieces of wisdom:

48. Jesus said, “If two make peace with each other in a single house,
they will say to the mountain, ‘Move from here!’ and it will move.”

I will not lie to you. This is a troublesome way, with lots of ups and downs. You and your ego will fight forcefully against change. But if you have the courage, if you are determined, then the sky is the limit.

2. Jesus said, “Those who seek should not stop seeking
until they find. When they find it, they will be disturbed.
When they are disturbed, they will marvel and will rule over all.”

Do you experience such an inner conflict? What would it be about? How do you handle it?

I am curious to hear your opinion on this. If you like, you can share privately. Just DM me!

Photo Credit: Sven Brandsma

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